


Home is a Feeling

by jjtaylor



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-21
Updated: 2017-08-21
Packaged: 2018-12-18 00:29:28
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,594
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11862849
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jjtaylor/pseuds/jjtaylor
Summary: Harry already knows about love and loss, and that dark, awful place where the two meet. Remus wishes they didn't have that in common.Set after Order of the Phoenix.





	Home is a Feeling

Remus is sitting at the table in the half-dark kitchen of Grimmauld Place, drinking tea and ignoring the Daily Prophet. His cup, sloshing with cold tea, is infinitely more interesting, and he can barely get through the Prophet on the best of days. Today, the entire second page is devoted to updating the wizarding world on the ongoing search for Sirius Black. He finally gets up and tosses the paper into the fire; he is still standing there staring at the flames, his tea cup half-raised to his lips, when Molly Weasley comes in. 

"Hello, Remus," she says softly, and flicks her wand at the bottom cabinet, sending a pot floating out and into the sink; a second flick and it begins to fill itself with water. Remus blinks a few times and then gives Molly a small smile. 

Grimmauld Place is an awful reminder, but at least it's a reminder. There are places he can stand where they had both stood; the hallway outside of Buckbeak's room, where Sirius had kissed him quickly with one hand holding a bag full of dead rats, and then disappeared behind the closed door when he'd heard someone coming up the stairs. The kitchen, especially, where they had shared so many meals, and drinks, and cups of tea, and where Remus had found himself staring at Sirius during Order meetings, thinking that if he looked away, Sirius might disappear. And then he had anyway. 

He sleeps in the bedroom he shared with Sirius. In his dreams, he chases Sirius through the veil, but ends up back on the other side. The Order members, torn and bleeding, look at him with disappointed eyes. Dumbledore says, "If anyone could have brought him back, it was you." Harry says, "You didn’t love him enough."

"Can I help you with dinner?" Remus offers to Molly, reaching around the pot to add his teacup to the sink.

"No, no, dear," she says. "We're doing fine here tonight. You really ought to go home."

"My home is gone, Molly," he says, and regrets it instantly. Tears have suddenly appeared in her eyes and she quickly turns to retrieve a canister of salt from the cabinet. 

There wasn't even a body to bury. He tries not to think about it, an empty grave, a pointless marker, Sirius just gone. Home went right through the veil with Sirius, the black fluttering swallowing Remus' life.

"I'm sorry, Molly," Remus says, turning back to the fire. There are only a few tendrils of the Prophet left, curled and blackened on the bricks. 

"You're killing yourself here," she says, coming over and placing a hand on his shoulder as if dusting him off, and when she meets his expression, she looks suddenly sad to see how right she is.

"I’m sorry," he says again. "I'll just go on, then." He reaches for a handful of Floo powder, but before he can toss it into the fire, an owl swoops in through the open window of the kitchen and drops a roll of parchment on the table. Remus returns what he can of the Floo powder into the satchel, brushing his open palm over his trousers to wipe the rest away, and opens the letter. It's a note from Dumbledore, summoning him to Hogwarts. 

"Send word if you need anything," Remus says to Molly.

"Thank you, dear," Molly says, her expression kind and guarded again. "Give Dumbledore my regards. And ask Minerva if she has any more of those biscuits. They're quite good."

 

He Apparates just outside the grounds of Hogwarts. He thinks for a second that it's raining; it's actually just stopped, but the ground is soaking wet and the air is thick with humidity. Dumbledore is waiting for him just ahead. Remus dutifully trudges forward, his shoes making soft, squelchy noises in the grass.

"What can I do for you, Headmaster?" Remus says as they walk towards the castle, trying his best to sound genial. 

"No need for that sort of formality, you know," Dumbledore says, and Remus looks at him sideways. "I need your skill at spellwork, setting up a few wards at the castle. I do hope you don't mind coming all the way here." Remus waits, knowing there's something more. "And I need to speak with you about something important."

Dumbledore pulls from his robes a piece of parchment with familiar handwriting. "Young Harry sent me this just yesterday," Dumbledore says softly. 

Remus stops walking when Dumbledore hands him the parchment and he reads what it says. 

Dear Headmaster Dumbledore,  
Can you tell me if Professor Lupin and Sirius were in love? I’ve asked several people, but no one will give me an answer, and Mrs. Weasley told me I should mind my own business. I know she’s right, but I need to know.  
Harry

"I can't tell Harry,” Remus says, stumbling. "How can I, how can... ." He trails off, breathing deeply. 

"I'll write to Harry and answer his question," Dumbledore says. "We have an agreement that I only tell him the truth. But I will let him know that he ought to speak with you."

Remus nods, still shocked; Dumbledore continues walking and Remus follows. "I do think it's important that the boy asked if you were in love, and not anything else."

Remus swallows and nods again, though he isn't at all certain what Dubmeldore is talking about. "Headmaster, you haven't brought me here to discuss my relationship with Sirius, have you?" Remus is astounded at how shaky his voice sounds. "I understand that there may have been some issues in the past, but - "

"Come now, Remus," Dumbledore says, and Remus takes this as permission to let the subject drop.

He is surprised to see Minerva waiting for them when they reach the entrance to the Castle. 

"Hello Remus," she says, and gives him a wide smile, and joins in step with them. 

"Minerva. I’m supposed to ask you about biscuits."

"So, Molly liked them, then."

"Apparently," Remus says hesitantly.

"Good. I’ll put another order in."

"Is this some kind of code?" Remus says softly to Dumbledore.

"Shortbread," Dumbledore answers. 

Minerva asks about the drains in the third floor bathroom at Grimmauld Place as they walk, and whether Alastor had been able to determine what creature was causing the trouble.

"It seems to be a problem with the actual pipe system," Remus informs them. "Moody was grumbling something about how no one ever pays attention to their pipes anymore."

"Constant vigilance in plumbing?" Minerva asks.

Remus suddenly looks up to notice that they aren't in fact heading for the Headmaster's office as he expected, but to Gryffindor Tower. The portrait of the Fat Lady appears as they turn the corner in the corridor.

"Gryffindor?" Lupin asks.

"We have quite a bit to do," Minerva says, giving the password. "There aren't many members of the faculty around in the summer. And most of the Order is scattered. It's rather empty, if I may say so."

"Certainly not many true Gryffindors about," Dumbledore adds.

"You need true Gryffindors for this?" Remus asks.

"Well, it's not necessary, but it helps," Dumbledore says, and the three of them take out their wands.

 

They are installing a complicated set of wards around the Common Room and the boy's dormitory. It is magic Remus barely remembers from school and Minerva had to come and keep correcting his wand position. 

"It's alright, Remus. I haven't done this in ages either," Minerva consols him.

"These wards should not only repel an intruder with any sort of malicious intent, but they should also send an alert to every single faculty when triggered," Dumbledore says. 

"So if Dean Thomas tries to sneak down here with young Miss Weasley?" Minerva offers.

"Only malicious intent," Dumbledore corrects. "Dean Thomas is welcome to continue sneaking around as long as the object of his affection does not have any secret plans against Harry."

"I'm sure Harry will be delighted to have the entire faculty come running into his bedroom," Remus says.

"Regardless, it has become a necessary response." Dumbledore says.

As they continue warding the Common Room, Remus’ eyes fall on the tapestry of the castle hung next to the fireplace, the stone turrets reaching up into a grey sky. Remus had always liked it as a boy; had ended up starting at it when he had been distracted from his studies, watching how the silver threads that made up the clouds shimmered and the black waters of the lake seemed churn as people walked by and sent the tapestry rippling. Sirius had said he thought it was an awfully gloomy picture to hang in a common room, but Remus remembers as a boy not being able to believe he had made it to Hogwarts. Looking at the rendering of the castle had helped him understand that it was true.

"We only have to secure the portrait entrance now," Dumbledore declares. "A simple _Protego_ will do." Remus stands in the middle of Minerva and Dumbledore, their wands pointed at the stone arch entrance. "Together now..."

" _Protego_ ," they say, and Remus feels the crackle of their combined magic hot on his skin.

"Let's test it then," Dumbledore says, and climbs out through the portrait hole. "I'll return in a minute."

Remus turns to Minerva, who shrugs. They wait in silence, which is split by a sudden, giant crash whose sound carries through the portrait. Remus follows Minerva scrambling out as the portrait swings open, and Remus sees Dumbledore on his back, a collapsed suit or armor on top of him.

"Albus!" Minerva shrieks and runs over to him. Dumbledore sit up, dusty but unharmed. Remus mutters a spell to reassemble the armor, which floats up and away from Dumbledore and resumes its shape.

"What in the world did you do?" Minerva demands, helping Dumbledore to his feet.

"I simply gave the password, all the while thinking only of how as soon as I entered the common room I was going to steal your hat."

"So it works, then," Remus says.

"Yes, quite well," Dumbledore answers, readjusting his glasses.

"Hmph," Minerva says, touching a hand to her hat, as Poppy Pomfrey and Madame Pince come running around the corridor.

"What is the matter?" Poppy shouts, looking wildly around for trouble.

"Albus tried to steal my hat," Minerva says, and gives him a dark look that turns quickly into a wide smile. 

 

After explaining to Poppy and Madam Pince the new Gryffindor alarm system over tea, Dumbledore offers to walk Remus to the edge of the grounds. Minerva bids him a wordless goodbye as he follows Dumbledore down the castle's front steps.

As they walk, Dumbledore asks him, "Are you going back to see Molly?"

"I think I'll stop by the cottage first," Remus' voice wavers slightly at that answer, but Dumbledore doesn't seem to notice.

"I'm going to answer Harry's owl as soon as I return to my office," he says. "Will you come back next week and help Minerva and me with the fourth floor classrooms?"

"More wards?"

"We were hoping to do some painting, actually." Remus starts to laugh but Dumbledore looks perfectly serious. Remus coughs.

"Of course, I'd love to help."

"Take care, my boy," Dumbledore says, bowing slightly, and Remus walks the rest of the way off the grounds and stops to stare up at the castle for a moment before he Disapparates.

 

The cottage is exactly how he left it the last time he was there, three weeks ago; a few of the windows half-open, the sun shining in giant slants, his sweater hung over the back of the chair. There is a bird splashing in the birdbath in the yard, and Remus remembers Sirius, still gaunt but cleaned up, hair shorter, sent by Dumbledore to lie low, looking around at the cottage for the first time and calling it quaint. Remus had tackled Sirius in a bone-crushing embrace shortly after that and they had spent the rest of the summer trying to live like normal people before the Order called them to Grimmauld Place and set Remus work, and Sirius to hiding.

Everything is the same, except Sirius is gone, and there is a pile of 23 Daily Prophets at his front door. Sirius's face looks back at him from a few covers and Remus carries them all inside and sets them by the fireplace.

He decides to move the kitchen table first, because he's never really liked it in the corner; then, he switches the plates and glasses into each other's cupboard. He moves one of the reading chairs closer to the fireplace, the bookcase shouldn't ever have been up against that window. With a few more flicks of his wand both the kitchen and the living room look completely different. He wishes he could move the fireplace, because it looks crowded on that side of the room; he figures he probably could, but that would require some complicated transfiguration and he isn't sure he's up for that.

It's starting to get dark and he waves his wand to light one of the lamps, only to realize it isn't where it used to be; he's moved that, too. For a moment he is paralyzed by the complete newness of the room, and then he panics. He waves his wand frantically, reversing all of his rearranging, putting everything back to its original place. Two of the plates crash into a coat rack in midair and shatter. 

Remus starts the fire going before he goes to repair the plates. Then he makes a pot of tea, and sits down at the table, drinking cup after cup, trying to remember every thing in the cottage Sirius had ever touched. 

 

There's a sharp tap at the window, and Remus lifts the sash to let in Hedwig; he unties the letter from her leg and offers her a dish filled with water, from which she drinks delicately as he opens the letter.

Dear Professor Lupin,  
I asked Dumbledore if you and Sirius were in love and he told me that you  
were. Can I come visit you sometime over the summer?  
Harry

There are several scratched out lines; Harry clearly had not known what to say. Remus reads the letter again. He takes a piece of parchment and his quill and begins to write a response.

Dear Harry,  
I would very much like for you to visit me this summer. I’ll speak with  
Dumbledore and see if we can make arrangements.  
I loved your godfather very much.

And then he can’t keep writing. Hedwig hoots softly, and Remus reaches over to smooth her feathers. He tries to write again but the quill is shaking in his hand. He wonders how if he is going to be able to explain the whole complicated story, the doubt, the forgiveness, the loss. How in the world he is going to explain love to a fifteen year old? 

Then it occurs to him that maybe he won’t have to explain anything to Harry at all. Harry already knows about love and loss, and that dark, awful place where the two meet. Remus wishes they didn’t have that in common.

He quickly signs his name and sends Hedwig off with the letter. He immediately beings another letter, to Dumbledore, requesting permission for Harry to visit, although he already knows Dumbledore's answer. Hedwig hesitates for a moment on the sill, and Remus stops his writing to watch her unfold her wings. The curtain on his window flutters slightly as she flies away.

**Author's Note:**

> Posting from the dusty LJ archives: written 6-17-2004


End file.
